my newsreader's not letting me post this. i'm having to sneak around it. fits with the suckiness of this week.
monday: my boss tells me to present demographic stuff from the chapter i'm writing at the project meeting a week from friday. this would be cool if i'd had time to even look at the damned thing in the last month. and if i weren't terrified of public speaking. tuesday: i get home from work and my cat is missing. i've eaten nothing all day but a bowl of popcorn. i can't find my cat. my roommate says he didn't throw it out but i wonder. friends come over to help look. nothing. they leave. finally i find milo -- at 3 a.m.
wednesday: the great roommate-goes-ballistic-on-me day. lots of tears, screaming, police, weirdness, headache. all i ate all day was a granola bar. this after a social group i usually go to turns out to be more stressful than fun.
thursday: a roommate of my ex tells me he's been told i'm not allowed in their apartment. the ex is quite insistent. as if he has any right to give a fuck what i do with whom, and like my being in a room of his apartment he's not in would have anything to do with him.
shit. at his request, i've not had *anything* to do with him since january. when i see him at juggling and he pretends i'm invisible, i just ignore it. i sent him email asking for a file he had the only copy of, and he flamed me. i sent him email of an "i'm healing and over this" nature. other than that, he's not in my universe -- i don't even know if he's ever answered the phone when i've called his roommate. what the *hell* else am i supposed to do?? disappear off the face of the earth entirely? shun any friend of mine who happens to know him? sacrifice my newfound social life to his peace of mind?
more stress, more tears, more weariness.
friday: i'm late to work. the air is molasses and i can't move anyway. emailing people thorne's said have complained to him about me, i discover that thorne is lying but also that i've somehow alienated some people and i have absolutely no clue how, given that i've *barely* said two words to them, ever. sigh. everything sucks. but at least it's payday. only they *lost* my paycheck. "didn't you pick it up already? did someone downstairs pick it up for you?" several trips up and down the stairs later, someone says, "oh, yeah, it's in this stack over here." after work, i go to the place where employees can get paychecks cashed free on payday (i have no bank account) and find i'm just a few minutes too late. walking down the street, almost-tears, frustration, my backneckarms ache, too much stuff and i just want to fucking scream and scream and scream. i don't want to walk anymore. i don't care if i get where i'm heading. i want to lie down here in the nice soft grass and kick and scream until i stop wanting to throw up. later, i want to talk to my friend. we go to my place, but thorne is there and i don't want to deal. we can't go to his place (previously mentioned edict). we end up sitting on a wall outside the uchicago bookstore until 2 am, when it finally seems safe for me to go home and we can stop being bitten by mosquitoes.
i hate this week. i hate this week. i hate this week. i've had more anger, frustration, pain, annoyance this week than i had in the whole prior month altogether.
--
sine | deb
"beneath the dust and love and sweat that hang on
everybody, there's a dead man trying to get out so please help me stay
awake. i'm falling asleep in perfect blue buildings beside the green
apple sea. i wanna get me a little oblivion, baby, to try to keep
myself away from me." -- counting crows