i had to leave chicago, and i had to do it the way i did. i'm sorry if i hurt anyone by doing it so precipitously (though i doubt that i did). living in chicago was killing me by pieces; i felt like a play-dough doll being pinched every day and every day there was less and less and i no weapons for fighting back, over and over and nothing changes, nothing gets better, people care but they just stand there holding out their hands helplessly and i curl into a ball of pain that rolls underneath a desk somewhere.
i had to break the cycle. i came here for the wrong reasons and stayed through inertia and it was all too much. before i moved to chicago, i had been in hospital once. i had never cut myself. i had never spiraled down into the pit i found myself in when i finally said fuck it, enough, i've got to leave or die.
i'm choosing life. i realized the other day that since i had moved to chicago, i'd stopped seeing the world in pictures, word polaroids that captured the essence of a moment and laid it out bare. i want that back, and i can already feel it creeping around the corners of my mind. yeah, i may not make it. i miss eve. i hate being reduced to using a public terminal and only getting 90 minutes of access a day. but i can change this. i will change this. what i couldn't change was the knife-in-the-gut feeling i got every morning when i woke up in chicago. i'm gonna get meds and maybe food stamps tomorrow. i've got six active job leads. i've got some angsters loaning me money from time to time (and the money is secondary to the *feeling* it gives me).