i want to do something extreme and a little scary, unbalancing maneuvers, jolt reality out of its traces a little so i'll know it's still there, maybe.
drop acid and swim naked in the apartment pool. make love with a stranger, wordless anonymous heatlight*presence*. rollerblade down main street drinking shiner bock, walkman cranked. eat an entire pint of haagen-daaz, something chocolate with huge chunks of fudge, so sweetrichthick it makes you thirsty. trace designs on my lover's body with patchouli oil, fingertip lightly over abdomen, bury my nose in his chest. stand in front of the grocery store and shout, yell to the people how their lives run down like thin syrup, sticky nonsubstance, heavy gravity holding them fast when they could just allow livingrealness to flow thickly, bubble up and cascade down.
i want to hitchhike to houston again. i want to not-know where i'm sleeping tonight, not-know what the next ten hours will bring, not-know where dinner's coming from. i want rich experience and feral people, intrigues and plans and the noise of *living* drowning out the whimpers of depression.
so now i guess i'll go read for a while, then maybe make a sandwich for dinner and watch a movie or some tv before falling asleep.
alone.
--
sine | deb
"what's madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance? the
day's on fire! i know the purity of pure despair, my shadow pinned
against a sweating wall" -- theodore roethke