i think people embrace the wellness cult for the same reason they give their minds over to rigid ideological systems: fear. as things get more and more complicated and confusing, everyone's running scared. the consequences of independent thought can be extremely painful; why not play it safe by joining the herd? the only problem is that ecstasy doesn't come in six-packs -- it's just not a large-scale interpersonal thing. so you give up the occasional rush and in exchange you feel reasonably certain that you'll live out your three-score and ten in relative comfort and safety, with a minimum of pain.

that's why so many of the people who are *really* living seem to have traumatic pasts. when you learn early on that life is a dichotomy, that things hurt almost beyond bearing but that there's unbearable joy to balance it out, you're more willing to accept both. because ecstasy can be as frightening and unsettling as tragedy, learning to deal with one prepares you to accept the other and welcome its lessons. it's a dialectic, really: the merging of pain and pleasure creating something that outweighs both.

people tell me i'm insane because i live an open life, inviting in whoever wants to stop by for however long they feel like staying. people who don't fit/belong end up wandering off in boredom or frustration and people who connect hang around for as long as they need to. i take rides from strangers, run off hitchhiking, invite net.people to visit, talk to people at bus stops, initiate conversations with weird people. sometimes it turns out badly: i've been taken advantage of a couple times, ripped off before, raped once. on the whole, though, this open life has added richness and depth to my existence, so i don't see any reason to start living safely now.

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sine | deb
so maybe i am crazed. it's mostly fun.

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