some days you wake up and everything is dull, like you're looking at the world with dirty saran wrap over your eyes. like your contact lenses are fogged and you can't get them to clear, everything just feels hazy and indistinct, you know there are true things out there but damned if you can get them in focus.
so i was wandering around today feeling like that, depressed and angry and just sort of wanting to hurt something, to hurt myself, maybe, make the pain tangible, punish my stupidity. i don't know. i just was.
and i had no clean clothing. so i did laundry, only i had to wait for the stupid washer to finish and i was running late and it was taking so long and there was nothing to do because everything tasted bad to me today anyway, even doing my laundry and taking it out to the backyard, hanging it in the sun.
but laundry's not the temporary cure.
all of my housemates were gone, doing whatever it is they do during the day (sometimes you just don't wanna know). so i put on _the mind is a terrible thing to taste_ and cranked it, so loud i could hear it out in the backyard. then i shut myself into my room and let the music throw me around, closed my eyes and didn't think about how stupid it must look, just allowed the music inside me and let all the anger flow into my stomping feet and swinging hair, singing along "breathe you fucker!"
and the song ended and i was breathing hard and my hair was a mess and i felt better than i have in days. so i got a glass of water and sat on the washer, swinging my legs and singing along to "so what?" and then i hung the clothes out to dry.
--
sine | deb
"my eyes shit out lies, i only kill to
know i'm alive. so what?" -- ministry