welcome boysandgirls, to another year. we get a fresh one in every january, pristine and ready for you to leave nasty black scuffmarks all around the edges. midnight and everyone yells a lot to make sure everyone's aware that they're aware that the odometer's rolled over and we're gonna put some more mileage on this baby.
and disney world is fully booked for december 31, 1999.
i spent friday night getting drunk and feeling like shit. i spent saturday night at a party, getting drunk and going home with an equally drunken near-total stranger (whose equipment worked rather well, in spite of the fact that he was too drunk to remember it -- how does miss manners advise dealing with *that* situation?). i spent fifteen minutes of sunday night at a new year's eve party until i decided that i wanted to watch the new year come in outside in the park with me and the trees and the snow and the stars and no fucking people, no music, no noise, no bullshit, no social games.
there's a 24-hour walgreen's near here; it was open new year's eve. it carries anbesol and razor blades. dripping red on white snow would be so pretty, like the red blood on a plateful of sugar from a couple years ago. it was hard finding enough snow.
"god damn this voice inside my head it won't shut up it wants me dead"
called a helpline tonight, just to get the nausea out, to try to make the pressure go away, to ease my breathing. got an answering machine: they're only open til 10.30 pm on weeknights. called another place and talked to someone who refused to believe that i don't believe, and tried to convince me that everyone has a religion. i told her if god exists, it's a fucking bastard with a lot to explain. i finally told her not to bother trying, it wasn't working, and hung up on her.
everything is too oppressive. neverfuckingmind.
--
sine
tired