i don't have any anchors left.
everything i've ever defined myself with has been called into question. in just under a week, i've lost almost everything i ever used to build the edges of my life. if someone walked up to me today and said, "who are you?" i'm not sure i could answer.
nothing seems to rhyme, or even to scan. what was a sonnet has fallen apart in my hands, a heap of meaningless words with no interconnections lying on the floor at my feet. in the process, things have been lost, things essential to the previous structure. the instinct is to glue everything back as it was, but there are cracks and holes whenever i try. it feels fake.
"live epistemologically," i tell everyone, but when my own foundations are called into question, i stand bewildered. last week at work, i broke down for no reason, crying and shaking uncontrollably. my supervisor wanted to know what the trouble was, where i was bleeding so she'd know where to put the tourniquet, but all i could do was say over and over again, "i don't know, i don't know." i couldn't explain my life to her because i could hardly explain it to myself.
but that was a week ago. since then i've been taking inventory, saving the things i want and trashing things i have no use for anymore. sometimes i feel suspended, drifting, but the feeling of being on hold has passed. the outcome of all this is far from certain, but the fear and resistance and pain i expected when i finally gave in to the forces pressing against my defenses just aren't there. i even tried to force myself to stress over this, and nothing happened. it feels like angst, i spose, because it's definitely rootless, but it doesn't hurt. for once in my life, i know that i'm doing what i need to do. the feeling is of emptiness, but a calm void: no urgency. i'm in control, but i can take my time and wait to see if things work before allowing them back in my life.
this goes beyond lifequake; i'm shaking out my soul and finally throwing out the trash.
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sine | deb
waiting peacefully to see where it all ends up...