there are times when i find myself torn between two ways of existing, when i can't decide exactly how i'm going to deal with life.
option one is to be wise and understanding and explain things to people, to take a long view of things and accept myself and my limitations then work to overcome the bad stuff. when i do this, i write things like the post on control freaks. i don't get upset over minor annoyances at work, and i remind myself that not having a permanent lover in my life right now frees up a lot of energy for other projects. i clean my room and eat sensibly and smile a lot and sleep well at night.
option two involves giving in to the seductive tugs of depression, burying myself in its warm wet grayness. when i do this, i write things like the posts i've been doing lately, things full of directionless pain and chaos. small things bring me to the brink of tears and i'm never far from a screaming rage. i drink more and feel sorry for myself and remind myself how every man i'm not dating is an indictment, proof of my essential unworthiness. clothes pile up on top of books on my floor and i alternate between starving myself for days and shoveling in junk food. i'm too tired to smile but i stay up until 5 am and get up around 9 am anyway. i make excuses not to do things i want then get upset because i'm not doing them.
strangely, i have an awareness of the potential for stability within even as i'm acting out -- there's a corner of my mind saying, "hey, you know, you're chosing this crazy way to be right now, and you could easily unchoose it." but the rest of my mind says, "so what?"
it's pretty obvious that option one is the saner way to live, the way that will most likely lead me to a life which pleases me. so why do i sometimes find myself living in option two for a few weeks?
--
sine | deb
"gazing through bottles, tables of endless glass, light shine through and it
seem like heaven. take all the bottles, put them end to end; you could touch
the sky another way... that's not him you see - he's never really there and he
doesn't know the time. when did you get up today? you never used to sleep so
late. never mind, it's always 3 am" -- guadalcanal diary