people have been talking about personal angst versus universal angst as if the two concepts had no overlap at all, as if one were somehow "purer" than the other. i think looking at control issues is a way to reconcile the two. the debate on here seems to ignore that both are rooted in the same feelings of alienation and fear, of anxiety at living in a world beyond control, beyond comprehension. the metaphor of rules comes up a lot here, interestingly. as humans, in the face of what looks like noise, we try to find ways to *make* things make sense, to see a gestalt in what looks like random chaos.
the lack of any objective reality throws us off-balance. even if an absolute exists, the myriad filters that stand between us and it make approaching it in a meaningful way impossible. we have no way to tell if what we think we see really exists and no real way to be sure how much those perceptions are distorted by the glass of individual belief, predilection, desire. we mutate situations until they resemble what we want to see and read our own meanings into the words and actions of those around us. but eventually we find ourselves at decision-points and fervently hope our data is accurate and when it isn't we fall down again, then get up and circle warily around reality; it's become an adversary and, in a strange way, a rival.
so we live our lives as attempts to impose control and order on a world that won't give up any. our lives are a search for edges; we want boundaries and handles. if we can figure out where we stop and reality starts, we'll have a lever with which we can move at least our part of the world. finding boundaries gives us the power to expand or contract them at will. rules, hierarchies, governments -- all these artificial layers of definition give us edges we can rearrange. and as we play with them, we can forget about the basic wildness and chaos that surrounds us. most people engross themselves in the game and devote lifetimes to piling up counters, fiddling with obscure regulations, or making up good reasons why they're not succeeding. it's a pleasant distraction, and who's to say it's not a superior way of life? they get rewards pleasing to them, live with a sense of purpose and die with a sense of accomplishment.
people who see beyond the surface aren't so lucky. rejecting conventional notions of boundaries leaves one wondering who does have control of reality, which leads to the problem at the core of angst: no evidence exists that anyone does. all the interactions of all the people who've ever existed have created this chemical reaction and we're all helpless as we watch it proceed to equilibrium. and people keep throwing new things into the mix and trying to change the lab conditions, but it's just inexorably going onward and no one knows if we'll have a miracle potion or a high explosive when it's done. but it's not the uncertainty that tears at our souls, it's the drifting helplessness and the realization that all we can do is wait.
so the reconciliation between personal and universal angst. the personal is merely a reflection of the global. the situation-specific fear and pain and anxiety expressed here so often are merely reports of individual battles in a larger war.
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sine | deb
or we're all just insane.