angst calendar for november

november

#305 November 1.

i don't progress my mother was right i regress i go backward i don't even try i don't know how 'just find somebody else' everyone says but they don't understand nobody understands i'm a complete failure i fail at everything i do honeywell is nothing cis is nothing i've never accomplished anything that's why she left because she knew these things she knew i was a go-nowhere do-nothing she couldn't live off me i am such a weak, empty person how can i attract anyone? i am beneath any respectable woman's sight and hoes won't dare touch me i'm so hopeless

#306 November 2.

my mother was right i'm a hopeless nobody unnecessary nobody would give a shit if i lived or died no one would be at my funeral who'd want to come to the funeral of a loser i've always lost i've never experienced true happiness last summer in texas was close but that will never happen again because that's how god planned it eternal sorrow no one wants to get close to me and i'm too scared to introduce myself to anyone because i know i'll get rejected like i always have been rejected by everybody for one reason or another

#307 November 3.

rejected because i'm un-smart and un-funny nobody laughs at my jokes i feel so stupid but she has tons of friends and tons of lovers because she has what it takes obviously she's normal that's the point obtain a clue she wasn't born with the social defects that i was she didn't leave because she thought i was discontented with her it was exactly the opposite and now she's living her life doing whatever it is that she's doing whatever it is that makes her happy obviously she couldn't be happy with me she wasn't ever happy with me it was just a game

#308 November 4.

that's why she can give up on things so easily i'm an easy person to give up on easy to reject easy to make fun of because i'm so slow and so autistic i've managed to lead a normal life since this travesty happened but what sort of an achievement is that? it's not one it's just the one step forward before the three steps back

#309 November 5.

i'm sinking falling not advancing retreating some dudes enjoy being alone i don't but i am alone and will probably be for the rest of my life because no one will want to invest their time in me it's a waste i'm so helpless i don't know where to turn nothing feels right nothing seems right everything around me looks foul tastes brown there is no light at the end of the tunnel it's an endless loop

#310 November 6.

i'm so lonely and so tired tired of faking tired of acting like nothing is wrong tired of acting like i'm over it i thought i was changing but people don't change i would have never changed she knew that that's why she's back home that's why it was so easy for her to lie to me because i'm nothing, nobody ugly worthless a disgrace

#311 November 7.

i don't know how to deal with people i don't want to anymore i want to go somewhere where i won't bother anybody cos that's all i do is bother people hopefully it will happen naturally hopefully it will happen soon because if it doesn't then maybe i will make it happen because i am tired of living and i am tired of hoping and i am tired so tired of faking
-Malcolm Moore,

#312 November 8.
school was my real problem, and the original source of angst in my life. i was the class outcast, the loner, the nerd, the fat boy, the whatever. they would think up more at the drop of a hat, and proceed to torment me with whatever new insult that their fertile little minds had come up with.

#313 November 9.
the principal of the school, being the crafty old fart that he was, must've realized that i liked my punishment, and thus dreamed up something even more cunning, and placed me back with other kids. of course, he placed me with the retarded children, and the other overly stupid kids. oh, i still did work at my own grade level and beyond, but that really wasn't the point.
realizing that i was managing to enjoy this new assualt on my sanity, the principal managed to outdo himself, and placed me back in a closet. this time smaller, and this time in the upper level of the school, away from everyone. from morning until noon, and from noon until school was out, i would see and talk to no one at all. and more often than not at this point, there would be no school work to do, either.

#314 November 10.
this must be my destiny. i should stop hoping for things to get better, because obviously i'll be hoping for a long time.
-Malcolm Moore

#315 November 11.

5.38p: i get up and go to use the bathroom. i can barely manage to sit on the toilet seat, i am so nervous. 5.39p: the phone rings. i answer it. a woman is on the other line. hello? i say. hi, malcolm? hi, this is bernice. how are you doing? i'm okay, i say, if not a bit nervous. is everything ok? we hope so. can i talk to your mother please? 5.40p: my mother and patrick walk out of their bedroom. i hand the phone to her. she nervously rests the handset on her shoulder and says hello? there is 5 seconds of silence. yes. is everything okay? i am not looking at her. i am watching television. i am gauging the situation on the amount of silence between her speaking. this particular amount of silence kept growing. finally, she said okay. the next thing i heard was the phone clatter as it hit the wall. he's gone, she said. i looked at the stereo clock, and beyond it past the balcony, outside to the trees and the swimming pool. the time was 5.41.
-Malcolm Moore

#316 November 12.
i curse too much
i am slow
i am dumb
i am uninteresting
i am quite insecure
i often feel- screw it, am very ugly
i am quite miserable
and angry
i am abusive to myself and other people around me
i am shameful
i am a sorry excuse
i am lazy
i have no initiative
i am stuck in pause
i am edgy
and inconsiderate
and moody
quite boring
and dependent
and clueless
often am very rude without realizing it
i am sick
both in the head and in the body

#317 November 13.
i exhaust all those around me
because no one knows what to do
i am a failure at everything
or at least i feel like one
i scare all those around me
and when i'm not doing that
i am depressing everyone to death

good things about myself:

good things...
...about myself, huh?
...uh...
good things about myself...

#318 November 14.
Wheeee, the "pity fuck". I don't know for sure if this routine actually works; I suspect it does on some women, some of the time, though I haven't really tried it much myself. The whole getting on knees while in tears and begging just seemed too, well, weenie-ish to me.
I'd rather go home, hit the lights, and cry under a desk, when no one can see, y'know?
-Xibo

#319 November 15.
The "volume method" I refer to is where you take the theory that given an infinite supply of women (most major cities and urban areas) there exists a set of women who will boink with little/no bother, and it is a simple matter of going down the line and trying (hitting on) various women until you find one that'll go for it.
I personally haven't mastered this; four or five rejections in an hour and I'm feeling like total shit and saying "fuck this, I could be home playing Wing Commander" and generally fleeing the undesirable situation.
-Xibo

#320 November 16.
it has been one of the most depressing days in quite a while.
-jason downs

#321 November 17.
and here i am, one of the people that he's come to with questions for the last half year while he's trying to learn these things, and i can't even get a job as a fucking janitor.
-jason downs

#322 November 18.
I just got my annual review, today, of my work performance. The past two years, it's been okay-to-good. This time it is distinctly bad.
My boss is a really decent guy, so I can argue with him about things. I did just that regarding this situation. He's had me working for two different departments for the past nearly-three years, partly due to circumstances beyond his control. Everyone in charge has ended up, it seems, being somewhat dissapointed in my performance, and he simply is not able to accept the entire extent to which this two-department situation has contributed to my less-than-glowing performance. It might not have been glowing even if I'd been able to work for only one department all this time but it certainly would have been better than it has. I've been struggling against feelings of being overwhelmed ever since day one of this job (nearly three years ago).
I bid for the job, and took it, because it seemed to be my only reasonable way out of the dead-end track that I was in at the time.
-sherlock

#323 November 19.
He hasn't fired me yet but I'm not one who is brimming with self-confidence. I have difficulty working in a hostile environment; let alone difficulty thriving.
My boss has been my anchor in the storm and sort of a good-father figure to me ever since before I took this position. Now I'm feeling abandoned and very alone. He wasn't mean to me, simply matter-of-fact. I don't know if I can make it now. I've been very depressed for the past few weeks, specifically because of this increasingly untenable work situation. As of two weeks ago, I'm now on Prozac (sp?) --it's the first time in my life that I've ever been on any antidepressant (it was my idea). I feel as though people have been losing faith in me right and left for the past several months or more. It's not that people don't feel concerned --at least some of those do who know to. It's that the people who have the most power over my life seem not to believe in me any more. At this time in my life, I continue to be dependent enough upon the impression of others so that it is extremely difficult for me to believe in myself if and when no one else does.
I don't know about whether I'll survive this ordeal or not. Literally.
-sherlock

#324 November 20.
Life should be fun, it should be an education, each day should be filled with new experiences -- positive learning experiences. But it ain't. Each sodding day I crawl outta bed and I come to work, I sit in front of this terminal and I type, or I read some document or other. Where's the fun in that, huh? Where's the real life experience? Adulthood sucks, IMHO.
The average human being has so much potential, so much that he or she could achieve -- given the chance. But none of us are given the chance, are we? It's just a struggle, against the corporations and the governments which seek to oppress us and bend us to their will. No room for growth, for experimentation, just 25 years of fun followed by another 50 of boring mediocrity. That's no life, that's nothing to be proud of -- that's a waste, a fucking waste.
-Graeme Hodgson

#325 November 21.
You get on the path of "just waiting to die", like so many "mature adults" are on.
The worst thing in life is boredom and mediocrity. When there is no hope of change, that's when my suicidal tendencies kick in.
-Xibo

#326 November 22.
Recently I woke up and decided that if I lost my job I would kill myself that day. Walking in front of a moving bus is still my prefered method.
-David E. Lightener

#327 November 23.
Being attracted to a woman always gives rise to very strong emotions in me; most of them are negative: fear, anger, loneliness, and panic.
-David E. Lightener

#328 November 24.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
Yes, I called the mom-unit and explained that I didn't feel like driving for six hours after I get off of work tonight, just to have dinner with my family. I didn't want to tell her the real reason. I hate to go home. Every time I go home to my "White, Upper-Middle-Class, House-on-the-hill, well-educated, successful, *Ward and June Cleaver*,all american, two-parent, nuclear-family," everyone argues, just like when we were little kids. There are snyde comments, everyone still remembers all the buttons to push on the others, and of course, everyone has to compare lifestyles, salaries, spouses, and all that other social-climbing-excrement.
-Alan Dye

#329 November 25.
> Thanksgiving...
This sucks...I hate it. And I had to go through it this afternoon at the family feast. Both my brothers and their respective wives/PIBs showed up for dinner with me and my parents who are in the same mold as yours seem to be. So here we are, one brother and wife both in law school, looking quite the yuppies and all ready the next L.A. LAW poster couple, another in Med school with his SO soon to be a Doctor, and then over here we've got me...the family armadillo, who's older than any of them and still has no clue as to what FUCK I want to do with my life ultimately, except move away from this area and get into grad school somewhere as far away from DC as possible.
Even though I'm dead set against giving in and conforming to the system, its this concentrated form of lifestyle that makes me feel worthless and like I'm being a total bum and complete failure. I think its just them....if you have enough people of a certain social structure/belief system around and you're the only one not "in", you're bound to feel guilty. I hate being in family situations. Even when they're not saying anything or when they're being pleasant and really cool, theres just this air of guilt that hangs overhead and infiltrates me.
-Stephen Okay

#330 November 26.
I knew someone who suicided years ago. He was a chemical engineer and I don't know what he used, but he made it appear to be a heart attack to everyone else. (He left a secret note to his wife, explaining what he had **really** done.) He set it up very carefully. He was a VP at a major corporation and told his co-workers going to a restaurant for lunch, to go ahead without him; that he would meet them there. Of course, when they came back and found him dead of an apparent heart attack, his wife was still able to collect on the insurance. This person never talked about killing himself, lived his life to the fullest (he was a "hard" liver). He **did** tell me once that he wasn't afraid of dying and that when he got fed up of it, he would just end it and it wouldn't be any big deal. At the time, I thought it was just talk.
-Jack Petrilli

#331 November 27.
I wanted so badly to walk up to her, and tell her, "you are beautiful". But for some reason, I just couldn't do it.
Just walk walk walk right up to her, and say, "you are beautiful". Just say three words. What is so hard about that? Chances are very low she'd hit me or something. Why can't I do it?
I wanted to do it, very badly. But I couldn't do it. Something else, inside me, was scared, of what I have no idea, even though I have been analyzing this for years now. I just couldn't go up to her and say three words.
I was so pissed off at myself, I was shoving people out of my way left and right, to get out the door, into my car, and off to home. Home, where I need not be afraid, no, not afraid. Just alone.
Again.
-Xibo

#332 November 28.
I thought I understood Real Angst after reading those sorry-ass German pukes' (no slam against the Vaterland or its natives intended) definitions of existence. Have you ever seen a painting of Schopenhauer? What a dreary looking dude. No wonder. Anyone thinking up that crap ought to be glum. No, my Real Angst started when I started reading the texts of the different religions. At least with Existentialism, once you're snuffed, you're permanently out of the game - no recalls. But, if any *one* of the world's major religions is right, this crap just keeps happening and happening.
-Erik Radmall

#333 November 29.
If you're a Christian, you're doomed to hell if you don't accept Christ as your personal "savior." Other than that, you're stuck in this permanent "blissed" out state called "Heaven," that would have to get awfully dull.
If you're Buddhist or Hindu, you wind up getting recycled for billions of years until you finally get a clue and realize your true nature, which once you realize it, you realize you can't remain "blissed" out and you wind up spinning yourself out all over again into the vicious cycle of birth and death.
If you're Muslim, you wind up as a virtual slave of Allah (although I realize that Sufism is a lot different). Sheesh. What's up here? I mean, will this wretchedness ever cease? No matter what, you lose. If you're snuffed, you lose. If you're Christian and wind up in either heaven or hell, you lose. If you're Buddhist or Hindu and wind up getting reincarnated, you lose, if you're Muslim, you get to sharecrop Allah's domain, so you lose. If you kill yourself, you lose. So I guess the only thing to do is just kind of hang, and pray [sic] that when your number comes up, it won't be worse than what you have right now.
-Erik Radmall

#334 November 30.
My mouth was dry and tasted of ashes. All hope was gone, abandoned. I had crossed the threshold of doom.
-William Hjortsberg, "Falling Angel"

december

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