Quote added in last update (20 August 01) Quote added in last update (20 August 01)
Mostly just people tend to
talk to my scars. They see my arms, and disregard me. I have a hard time joining
religious circles, because they see I am/was harmful to myself.. the list goes
on. [female, age 15, 3 years SIB, HS student]
College teachers found out and
started to treat me like i was mentally inadequate. "Are you ok Neil?" As though
im a baby or sumthin. [male, age 16, 3 years SIB]
Explaining the scars and the grief
of covering them up until they heal. It becomes an addiction just like anything
else, and turns itself into a way of coping and a way of life for me. It really
doesn't help in the long-term aspect of things, but does work on a temporary
basis. [female, age 18, 6 years SIB, HS student]
I feel like an alien. The taboo.
Don't talk about it. Men hate it. [Female, age 47, 30 years SIB, MSW]
i've been kicked off my basketball
team because the coach thought that i was a bad influence, but it was more because
she didn't understand. but it hurt me a lot, that was what getting me though
the rough times, it was my love and my release tap for my anger. [Female,
age 15, 3 years SIB, HS student]
Shame. Anger because I couldn't
stop. My husband gets upset when he sees the scabs. [Female, age 44, 39 years
SIB, Master's degree]
i am subjected to embarrassing
body checks. i am constantly obsessed with it figuring it out, analyzing it.
it's hard to focus on anything other than that. i have become so accustomed
to having a quick fix that i don't deal with the problems behind it. I've lost
friends and respect and my mother always brings it up. [Female, age 17, 5
years SIB, college student]
I think the worst negative consequence
of my self-injuring was that I wasted 4 years of my life, for 4 years cutting
was what my whole life was about, everything revolved around cutting. And as
cutting was my thing, essentially I became very self-absorbed. In my opinion
self-injury turns into a very selfish habit (I am not trying to offend anyone
by saying that). I never stopped to think about how my actions might be affecting
other people. Everything was about me and my cutting. [Female, age 18, hs
graduate]
I got hepatitis from dirty razors.
[Female, age 18, 6 years SIB, HS graduate]
Family members did not trust me
alone for a while. They would lock up knives and any other things they thought
I could harm myself with. But overall, the whole experience has made me stronger,
a better person. Because now I know my limits and I know what I'm capable of.
[Female, age 16, 1 year SIB, HS student]
Part of the reason I self injure
is because I lead a double life. I am gay and most of my family and friends
do not know, so the stress lead me to self injure. The only problem was, then
I had the stress of trying to keep the self injuring a secret too. Like they
say, a vicious circle. [Female, age 24, 12 years SIB, HS salutatorian]
Oh, you mean besides losing friends,
boyfriends, and having everyone treat me like I could break? Nothing. [Female,
age 16, 4 years SIB, HS student]
I don't know how to react to my
feelings anymore accept by cutting myself. [Female, age 15, 1 year SIB, HS
student]
other than people getting in my
face being aggressive which usually don't happen but i get those who talk behind
my back and even turn people against me also i'd had people tell others that
i'm dangerous to others when I'm not even others suggest child abuse cuz i cut
my self ?????/????? people say I'm satanic and other stupid things obviously
these people are not educated or they read the words of these "fad" cutters
who don't know a damned thing . [male, age 32, 24 years SIB]
None really, that's why I don't
bother stopping. [Female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS student]
I may lose the therapist that
replaced the first one that I lost. Scars, I am a social work student now, and
it is hard to explain them away. I am afraid to get medically cleared to work
in a hospital because of fresh recent cuts on my breast. [Female, SIB since
age 4, graduate student]
I find it hard to function in
everyday life. I don't know if this is because of the self-harm, or whether
it would have been like this anyway. I think the latter. I don't think the self-harm
has had any negative consequences, apart from disapproving glances/opinions,
but I don't care about that. It's what makes me hurt myself is the problem.
[Male, age 20, 4 years SIB, university student]
None.. it's helped me cope and
deal and it continues to. [Female, age 15, 1 year SIB, HS student]
The worst thing was when I got
fired from a "dream" job less than a year ago, and I was publicly humiliated
there, since they told everyone there about all my personal things. I wasn't
even cutting myself then (since I did it for the first time in two years just
now a few weeks back), but it was enough for them that I told about it all and
cried, when I was drunk at a party at work. They really treated me like I was
a criminal of the worst kind and completely crazy! Well, it was a "high-security"
job, so they felt they couldn't trust me, that I was too unstable. It was really
hard, since work is the only thing I have in my life and they took it away,
so I felt like they were really trying to destroy me completely. Fortunately
I have now a job that I really like, so I survived that nightmare! [female,
age 31, 12 years SIB, university student]
It is the only thing I know (that
and profound, ancient depression) so that I am afraid to stop, afraid to stop
feeling the way I feel: lonely and afraid and dying to die. I feel I have lost
everybody because of this. My family has good people in it but they don't understand
and they make me feel worse instead of better by just doing thoughtless things.
My mom thinks she can be there for me but she can't. My friend barely know anything
more about me, I'm just the sad one to be careful around. Self-injury and ultimate
self-destruction have become, over the years, my defining characteristics, my
whole BEING. And I hate it. I do not want to scare people away, but I have.
My friends don't know what do to with me anymore, and who can blame them? They've
got problems too, some real tough ones, but I can't help them. It took me a
long time to figure that out, and now that I have I can't cope with it. So yeah....I've
basically lost my life, my whole self, to my depression and self-injury. Those
are pretty grave consequences, I should think. [Female, age 16, 5 years SIB]
the worst thing that has happened
because of self harm was having my daughter put on the "at risk" register at
birth. she is nearly 3 now and i still have social workers watching my every
move. it took nearly a year to convince everybody that i wasnt gonna hurt her.
[Female, age 24, 14 years SIB]
I am so embarrassed about the
scars on my forearms. I can't wear t-shirts now without having to face the fact
that I DID THAT to my arms. Sometimes I feel as though that's what people focus
on when they first meet me. (Which is ironic because I had open heart surgery
as a baby and have a huge scar on my chest; that's the scar I get asked about!)
[female, age 24, 3 years SIB, BA]
You want the list? My parents
look at me funny if I wear long sleeves, I can't get a cut or a scar without
one of my friends yelling at me, I can't wear shorts, belly shirts or tank tops,
I can't even stretch out my right arm with out someone asking what happened
to my arm. I can never feel normal. I'm not like everyone else for this-I'm
not even like most of the depressed people I know..none of them cut, except
for my boyfriend. [Female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS student]
Mostly just the lies (other than
the obvious things). I don't like to live in a world of lies. I almost lost
my children and had to have DYS oversee everything for a year and put my kids
through hell because they couldn't understand the difference between Self Injury
and attemptive suicide (although I have never cut anywhere near my wrists).
That was the worst. [Female, age 36, 24 years SIB, graduate student]
The main negative part is not
knowing how to get help. People think it is all about attention and it is not.
Yes at times it is a way of saying help...I guess...but it is not to be famous
so to speak. It affects me getting to know someone. I know going into something
I cannot handle the rejection I am sure to get. Then I rush to try to find acceptance
which only makes rejection comes sooner. then I am back to where I started.
[Female, age 30, 11 years SIB]
I've been really lucky in that
everyone I've told has pretty much been OK with it, I've had counselling for
a while, and my friends are supportive. The worst thing really has been the
obvious ones-marks, long sleeves, lack of sharp pencils due to dismantled sharpeners.
It's quite funny really, in a non-funny way. [Female, age 16, 3 years SIB]
The scars seem to be the worst
consequence, as I am always reminded about what I did and then I feel guilt.
It is also a very addictive habit and a large part of my life is controlled
by it. I developed an attitude pretty much unknowingly that if anything went
wrong in my life it was OK, because I would just go home and cut myself and
everything would be OK. I also feel that if I hadn't started cutting myself
then i would be able to tell my mom about being depressed, but I don't feel
that she would understand the cutting part. [Female, age 14, 1 year SIB]
It has put a real strain on my
marriage. My husband doesn't understand that cutting myself is not a suicide
attempt, and sometimes he doesn't want to leave me alone because he thinks I'm
going to try to kill myself. [Female, age 25, 13 years SIB]
None really. Kinda makes u feel
ostracised sometimes, especially when you see all those scars on your hands
and a little guilty, but I get over the guilt trip quite fast. [Female, age
15, 3 years SIB, HS student]
The main thing for me is that
I have physical scars that I can't ever get rid of. I was not allowed to take
part in physical education lessons in one of my schools because of the scars
from my cutting. It has been difficult to keep relationships going once my partner
has found out that I self harm-although I've also had the odd partner who was
understanding. [Female, age 27, 22 years SIB]
At work my co-workers always used
to tease me about stupid things, but it was all in good fun. Then someone noticed
scars on my arm and the next day when the boss came in , instead of teasing
me about my hair (it was kinda pink) or something like that he kept asking me
if i was OK , and then everyone stopped joking around with me. They would do
everything they could to make sure i didn't get frustrated or anything , saying
"oh don't worry about it i'll do it" about stupid tasks i was capable of completing.
It made me feel like a freak. Just cause i cut myself doesn't mean i can't take
a joke or am about to go over the edge at any moment. [Female, age 17, 4
years SIB, HS graduate]
[It] feels awful to hurt the people
who love you. lack of self-control promotes lousy self-esteem. simple stuff:
inability to work or play due to injuries. [Female, age 34, 21 years SIB,
university degree]
Some people assume that I do this
for attention and others either draw their own conclusions or don't know what
to think about it. I guess people think that I am just a freak. [Female,
age 17, 2 years SIB, HS student]
I scare people. It is something
very natural to me, but those few that know are visibly and intensely scared
for me. I think that my girlfriend will soon break up with me for it... I think
it's more than she can bear. I don't understand why everyone else is so worried
about it... it's my problem... and it doesn't hurt them. It's what keeps me
the person they know... nobody knows (especially not me) what will happen if
I don't... and they won't want that. Everyone wants me to stop this, but everyone
acts so upset and hurt when I lose my temper or break. [Male, age 23, 7 years
SIB off and on, bachelor's degree]
I'm back in school. I work full
time. I have a 4.0. I'm considered to be VERY together, VERY in control, VERY
gifted. IF I told people about this problem, most would not believe me. So I
don't feel like anybody ever really knows me, and then I begin to fell like
I'm not real. [Female, age 29, 18 years SIB, university student]
Oh god....too many to list. Kills
your self-esteem, makes you feel guilty, less than whole, like a freak.....it
interferes with my socialization a lot. [Female, age 29, 24 years SIB, shop
manager]
my mother thinks that I'm an attention-seeker.
even now that I'm 25, she doesn't take me seriously because she believes that
people who have the tendency to self-destruct obviously don't know what they
want in life. [Female, age 25, 12 years SIB, postgraduate diploma]
I am not as open with friends
or family as I could be. Everyone thinks that if I'm having a hard time or if
I am upset for any reason that they jump to the conclusion that I'm going to
cut. So I try not to show or let anyone know when I'm having a rough go of it.
[Female, age 32, 15 years SIB, BS]
Self-injury had nothing but positive
influences for me. [Male, age 17, 2 years SIB, HS student]
I think the worst negative consequence
isn't so much living with ugly scars, but shriveling slowly over the years with
self loathing and the fact that the behavior keeps me physically and emotionally
distant from my husband. I hate being lonely but I'm creating that which I hate
most. [Female, age 45, BSN]
Work has suffered, ive hurt my
family, let down my children. [Male, age 50, 31 years SIB, postgraduate diploma]
Having to wear long sleeves and
pants (instead of shorts) to hide cuts and bruises. Other than that I hide it.
The biggest consequence has been the way I hate me the next day. I can't seem
to quit and I took the quiz on being ready to quit and I did not answer yes
to one. I need to work through this in my own time and my own way and hope to
God I do, I do not want to be 40 doing this. Bad enough I am 29 and still hurting
me. I hate to admit it. [Female, age 29, 14 years SIB, BA]
There is a stigma with it. People
think you are suicidal or out for attention or generally crazy and malicious.
They treat you in a way that only perpetuates it. [?]
Just the impulse to continue
doing and the inability to talk to ANYONE about this. It's really hard and scary.
[Female, age 16, 1 year SIB, HS student]
Every so often, I want to go on
a self-improvement kick. I want to lose weight, get my teeth fixed, dye my hair,
be something other than what I am. Then I remember that I have 500+ scars all
over my body and nothing can change that. And when people tell me to stop, I
have to ask what difference it makes now, what good would stopping do? [age
26, 5 years SIB, BA]
I hate the scars. I HATE THE SCARS.
I often wake up in the middle of the night, look at my arms, see them there,
and feel so ashamed that I'm no longer perfect. I wish that I could turn back
the clock to before I started SI. Sometimes I leave the light off and tell myself
that I'd dreamt the whole thing up, and then I turn the light on and look at
my arms and I nearly believe myself. But then I see the scars and I cry. It's
terrible. I also don't like confrontation, or having to lie to my friends and
family. [age 14, 1 year SIB, HS student]
i do clerical work, and sometimes
the si makes it very difficult to to the writing and typing necessary because
my fingers are w so sore. [?]
My continued self harm over many
years has labelled me as difficult and untreatable so that now no body bothers
to help me deal with the real issues that cause me to hurt myself. [Female,
age 26, 14 years SIB]
I feel ugly all the time. Don't
feel as though I look "human" like other people look. Sometimes I've lied about
how my injuries happened. People sometimes see the injury and want to heal that
instead of finding out why I hurt myself to begin with. It makes me think that
people care for a gaping wound more than the person who bares it. [Female,
age 24, ~10 years SIB, university graduate]
People don't leave me alone, I
am always having to stay with someone so they can look after me, I cant wear
the clothes i want i suppose, its hard trying to come up with stories on why
you are so scarred. I have to have a lot of time off work to deal with the depression
and see various docs etc. [female, age 26, 10 years SIB]
People are normally quick to judge
you. They think you're insane, satanic, potentially dangerous to other people,
and other things like that. I don't really care about what people think of me
at all, but to some people that's really harsh stuff to deal with. [Female,
age 16, 2 years SIB, HS student]
i might not graduate high school...ive
lost friends...my mother is embarrassed of my behavior and ignores it...she
was once my best friend...almost lost my job (i have to wear long sleeves) ((that's
rough considering my job has a high heat-factor)). [female, age 17, 3 years
SIB, HS student]
I've lost quite a few friends.
People are afraid of me. I can't go barefoot or in sandals because of the scars
on my ankles. The scars on my arms and wrists most everyone knows about.. so
I don't try to hide them anymore. I'm being treated like a lunatic by everyone.
I've always been an outcast in school, but now it's even worse. Worse of all..I'm
getting fake pity from people who I know don't even care. They just want something
from me. And I am sooo tired of the question "What happened to your arms/wrists/legs/face?"
[female, age 14, 1 year SIB, HS student]
It adds stress to the relationship
I have with my wife. [Male, age 41, 32 years SIB, some college]
Loss of friends (that weren't
real friends anyway), problems getting jobs cause I would be seen by customers,
losing my son because my parents felt I couldn't take care of him or that I
might harm him, ( I would sooner die than hurt my son, but that doesn't matter
to them, and the courts liked how much money they had), distance in my marriage
because my husband doesn't understand why I can't talk to him or tell him when
I feel like I'm going to hurt myself (all he does is get mad and tell me never
to do it again or he's too busy to listen or doesn't act like he cares) no matter
how many times I tried in the past. [Female, age 25, 17 years SIB, some college]
It made me lose some good friends,
I think the SI kind of scared them, they didn't know what to say around me anymore
they thought anything they said would "hurt" me and so they just stopped being
my friends. [Female, age 16, 2 years SIB, HS student]
An angry husband, that is scared
for me and doesn't have any understanding at all. But is now finding and reading
as much information as he can so as to be more patient with me and my recovery.
He's also finding support for himself. Most people just ignore it, pretend it
doesn't exist. [Female, age 33, 29 years SIB, medical tech]
It's most definitely egodystonic!
It's relief but at the same time it means I have to hide my face. I have a hard
time looking at people when I talk to them. I avoid daylight. I avoid relationships.
I avoid friends. I feel lonely. I feel shameful. I have scars. I cannot go anywhere
without makeup. I eat foods I don't even like to the point that it's difficult
to swallow to make myself chunky and undesirable. [Female, age 22, BA]
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